Wednesday, August 13, 2008

RIP Smiley

I looked at the date the other day and realized that on the fourth my best friend Smiley has been gone for 4 years. Time goes by so fast. I miss him so much. He was more than a friend to me. He was like my little brother. He was my protector, my confidant and a source of strength. So many days I have wished I could go back to the moments before it happened and make time stand still forever. So many days I have wished I could say I'm sorry. So many days I've wished that last I love you was stressed even more. There is just so many things that I wish I could change but I can't. I lived with guilt so long even though I knew it wasn't my fault. I thought that I couldn't live without him, now I feel like I'm living for both of us. Certain days I feel like he's right here with me. People may call me crazy but I really do feel him with me.
So Smiley, I love you, I miss you and I'm glad my life was blessed with you. I wish you were here but I know I will see you again one day. I'm holding it down for the both of us and I see ya in my rearview!!!!!!

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Deal Is A Deal

I am so mad. I hate dealing with people sometimes. Today my male dog studded with a female dog. I charge $200 for the stud fee. If they want to use both of my males I charge $350. This guy knew my prices and has actually used my dog Blu the last time he bred his female. My dogs are from top of the line bloodlines and are beautiful. You pay for quality. Last time his female had 12 puppies that sold for $400 a piece. They produce beautiful offspring. He called me yesterday and told me that he was ready and could he come today. I said that was fine. He came over here and brought the female. He dropped her off and said he would be back later in the evening. It usually only takes one time but to make sure it takes it's better for them to be together for a whole day. When a female is in heat the male dog goes crazy and will try to do it to her over and over. As soon as she got in the yard my male jumped on her. I called him like 4 or 5 hours later and said she should be good because I counted 7 times that they were stuck, and that's just me going out there throughout the day. He said he would be over in about an hour. Two hours go by and he is not here. I call him and tell him I have a wake to go to and I don't want to be responsible for his dog in case she tried to get out of the yard. He said he was on his way. Another hour goes by and he's not here. I call him again and tell him that I'm leaving. I tell him that I'll put her in one of my kennels but he won't be able to get her until I get back. For one he has to pay me second if he came in my yard without me my dogs would probably try to attack him. My dogs are not mean dogs but they are trained to a tee, they are guard dogs, therefore they are trained to protect the yard and house. I get back and call him and then he comes. He gets his female in the car and gets in the car himself like he is just gonna leave without paying me. I stop him and tell him I need my money. He says, "Oh I was gonna talk to you about that. I was gonna ask if I can just give you a puppy when she has them. I will give you pick of the litter." Okay, first off I have been breeding over 10 years, nobody ever really gets pick of the litter. Second, I have 14 puppies right now. I have my own puppies, I don't want anyone else's and I tell him that. He says that he doesn't have the money right now but when he sells his first puppy he'll pay me. No no no no no!!!!! I am not cool with that. He should of asked me that before he brought her here. I don't want to wait 5 or 6 months to get my money. She has to have them and then wait 2 months to sell them. I guess he figured that once he left her here there was nothing I could do because she was already pregnant. I told him give me a minute I'm gonna write something up that says that you owe me $200 and when you will pay me. I came in here and told my boyfriend and we came up with a plan. I told the dude to come in and sign this contract. When he came in my boyfriend went in his car and took his dog. He took her back and put her in the middle kennel and put my males out in the open part so that he would have to go in the kennel with them loose to get his dog which nobody in their right mind would do and this is the reason

Would you try to get past those two when you were unwanted there? They are both 150 lbs. I wish I wouldn't of had to do it like that but he should've been upfront and I would've. I told him he could get his dog back when he gave me my money. He left all pissed off. I can understand that but he has to understand where I am coming from. I did my part, now you have to do yours. I figured he would try to get the money and be back tomorrow or the next day. He was back in 10 minutes with my money. So basically he had the money he just didn't want me to pay it and he figured what could I do. I am a very straight and up front business woman but you try to play me and you will get played. I've been doing this along time and I know all the tricks. People are always trying to get over on the next person. It's so stupid. He had the money he just didn't want to pay so that really makes me think that I did the right thing. Well that's it for now. I have to go to Aunt Ebbie's funeral tomarrow. Ebbie is my childhood best friends great aunt. We have been friends since I was 12 so she was like family to me. We were together so much that my mom and her mom eventually became really good friends. They hang out and keep in touch more than me and her now.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

You Can Lead A Horse To Water, But You Can't Make Them Drink

Today is a day that is filled with so many mixed emotions. One of my friends is in a very bad relationship. She is more than my friend she is more like the little sister I never had. She dated my brother for 5 years. My brother and I are very very close so we also became very close. They both lived with me for a couple of years. My brother was going through some things which led to him moving out, but she stayed. We went through a lot together. My best friend was murdered and I blamed myself for reasons that I don't want to get into but she was there for me. I went through a lot of things and she always had my back. Until meeting me she led a very sheltered life. She learned a lot a lessons about life and people being with me. I guess I exposed her to different things in life. Not all of them were good, but most were. The thing that I thought she learned was about being a strong independent woman. I thought I instilled in her the importance of believing in your self worth. I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for 5 years. When I finally got out of that relationship I was a mess. I was convinced that I was nothing, that I wasn't worth the clothes on my back. I thought that nobody could ever love me or that I would ever love myself. It took me along time but I learned that I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. I learned that a man, or anyone, will only do what you allow them to do to you. After 5 years of building up my self esteem and my life the same man that I let tear me down returned and I caught myself falling for him all over. I thought to myself, "this is how it was in the beginning. Maybe it can be like that again." Once I snapped back to reality I realized of course it's gonna be good in the beginning until he gets me to where he wants me to be so he can control and abuse me again. She was there reminding me of all the stuff that I tried to teach her. When her and my brother broke up I supported her in her decision and told her that I loved her regardless of their relationship. She moved to Carbondale which is about an hour and a half away to live with her dad whom she had never had a relationship with. She got a job and was doing really good. She would come down here and see me a lot. About 5 months ago she started dating a co- worker named Justin. She brought him down to meet me and my boyfriend. He was here for about an hour and he lied to me 4 times. All my life I have had more male friends than female friends. My 2 best friends were male so I know a lot about men. I also am pretty good with reading people and being able to tell the kind of person they are. He rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to tell her to be careful and to make sure she keeps her eyes open. She is still the kind of person that wants to believe the good in people. On top of that she is very very gullible. After that conversation I didn't hear from her for almost a month. I emailed her and called her with no response. About 3 weeks ago she called me at 2 am saying that she wasn't allowed to talk to me. She said that she moved in with him and right after they moved in together he became very controlling. She said that he doesn't want her to talk to me period, but she also can't talk to anybody else very often. She said that he checks her phone all the time and goes up to her job to make sure that she is there. She said that he talks to her like shit and will tell her to shut up and cook him something to eat. The girl can't cook so i don't know how that is working. She said he leaves all the time and won't tell her where he's going or who he's with. The only place she can go is to work and to the store and she has a time limit on how long she can be gone. I ask her what the fuck she is doing with a man like that. She says that she doesn't have anywhere to go, that they just moved into this place and they have a lease. That's an excuse. She said she knows it's not gonna work but she feels trapped. I told her that my door is always open. I told her that I knew something was wrong with her that I could feel it. I asked her if she though he was cheating on her and she said no but I could tell she just didn't want to tell me. I guess she thought I would be disappointed, which I am but I wouldn't of told her that. I've talked to her a couple times since then and every time I talk to her she is crying and upset. When I talk to her it seems like I'm talking to a different person. He's made her feel like she is nothing. She told me that they went out one night and when they left he said, "I could've had any girl in there, you should be lucky I'm with you." I told her then that if things are like that now they are only gonna get worse. She told me that she knows it isn't gonna work but she has nowhere else to go. I told her that as long as I have somewhere to stay so does she. I have a whole finished basement I don't use and she can stay down there. She just kept saying that some days are really good and the rest are really bad there is no in between. She says she wished that they could get to where all the days were just normal. I told her that I hope I'm not right but he will only get more controlling. Next thing will be him hitting you. I pleaded with her to please learn from my experience, that I learned the hard way for the both of us and that's the only reason that I'm telling her the things I am. About a week ago she said that he left one night and she saw him get into a car with a girl. When he got home she asked him about it and he threw a fan at her hitting her in the arm. I told her to get out now before it gets worse. I just kept telling her she is better than that, that she is worth more than that. Last night my phone rang at 1:30 am. I immediately knew it was her and I thought the worst. She was crying. She said that he has been hanging around this girl that is supposed to be just his friend but she can't meet her. When he left he accidentally left his phone there. She looked at the text messages and there was a message from the girl talking about them having sex. She looked at the outgoing messages and saw a message from him to the girl talking about how much he wanted to be with her and how he treats her better than all the rest of the girls he fucks with. He said that he doesn't know how she doesn't know how bad he wants to be with her and if she will be with him he will leave all the other girls (plural girls) alone. She said she walked down the street to someone's house where they hang out sometimes and the people there told her that they all know about it and that he fucks with a lot of girls. They told her that they are surprised she didn't know about it that is is obvious. She said she walked out the door and there he, Justin was with the girl from the messages. She said the girl looked like a deer caught in headlights. She asked him what the fuck was going on and he said, "what the fuck are you doing here, go down and get my phone." She told him to fuck off and walked away. He followed her and when they got in their house she told him about finding the text messages. She told him to get his stuff and leave or she would and that she didn't want to be with him anymore. She said he grabbed her by her neck and held her up against the wall. She said she was gasping for breath and started to see white spots. She said she remember me telling her about when I got chocked and passed out and before I did I saw white spots. She knew it meant that her brain wasn't getting oxygen. She wasn't thinking all that but she was thinking about me telling her that the last thing I remember was seeing white spots and then waking up in water. (My ex strangled me and then tried to throw me in the river because he thought I was dead. That's a whole other story that I don't even want to get into right now.) She said she reached for his throat so that he would let her go and he did but he cocked his arm back and punched her in her face as hard as he could which did knock her out. She woke up and he was gone. That's when she called me. I told her to pack up her car with whatever she could grab and get out of there. I told her if she didn't want to leave all her stuff me and my boyfriend will come up there and help her. In my mind I wanted to do that because I would love to see his lil short ass so I could give him a piece of my mind and knowing the kind of man he is he would most likely start something with me and then my boyfriend would knock his ass out. A real man does not hit a woman. The men that hit women wouldn't hit a man because they would most likely get knocked out. My boyfriend wanted to go up there just because he knew how much I cared about her. So she is on her way down here thank God! I am happy that she is leaving but I am sad that she had to go through all that. I spent so much time talking to her trying to let her know what I had been through so she wouldn't make the same mistakes. I know it was probably hard for her to tell me the stuff she did because she didn't want me to be disappointed in her. I'm glad she did though. I would never say I told you so. I just want to be there for her. It hurts me that he hurt her. It also brings up so many memories of my past. I have dealt with them to a degree but some wounds never heal. Everyday I wake up I thank God for the day because I almost wasn't here. I have to say God is good. He has been there for me through so much. I just want to help her heal and let her know that she is not alone. So many women had made that same mistakes. There is life after abuse. God is there for her and will help her.
Wow that was long. Today is my mom's 50 birthday. We were going to go to dinner but I'm gonna see if we can either go early or postpone it. After all that it might not be appropriate but wanted to share my newest creations. The first one is me and my boyfriend whom I love with all my heart. He is so good to me and loves me so much. I love him more than I thought I could ever love someone. I always thought my heart was be guarded. He has made me believe there is such thing as love. The second one is his grandson. I can't believe he is a grandpa at 35. Not the way he wanted it but nothing he can do about it now. His grandson, Jeremiah looks just like him too. Well that's it for now. As if that wasn't enough.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

My First Post

Okay, so I decided to start a blog. I can show off my pictures and psp creations. The first one is from Fourth of July. I had a lot of fun. I got to get Ebony even though it was a Friday and she had a convention. Her grandparents wanted her to be able to go on Saturday even though it was my day so we split the time out over 3 days. I picked her up after the convention each day. Chu Chu, Ebony and I went over to my mom's and ate. We lit fireworks. It took forever to get dark. We got a lot more fireworks than I thought. We all had fun. Here's the first of a few pictures. I'll put the others up later.